Shout out to all the single parents

I started back at work on a Friday. Surprisingly, I was doing fine with all the hustle and bustle of catching up and handling new projects until everyone I ran into decided to ask me if I missed Mads. Then I started to REALLY miss her.

Not only that, the Hubs is out of town this weekend, which leaves me and Mads home alone this weekend. I am not going to pretend to know what it is like to be a single mother nor am I in any way trying to minimize it. But this weekend has already been quite an interesting challenge, albeit it's only Saturday night and Mads went down to sleep at 6PM just fine.

I only caught a small glimpse of what it's like to raise a baby on my own and boy, kudos to all the single parents that do it every day. I had to keep an eye on her while cooking, cleaning, and doing daily things like use the bathroom. It felt like the ultimate self-sacrifice because every single moment is spent focused on the tiny little one and nothing I did was for me or myself. Even bathroom visits revolved around Mads' mood of the moment.

Really can't wait for the Hubs to come home.

Girls' weekend!

We'll Always Have Weekends

Today's my last day on maternity leave. I head back to the office (on a Friday, I know) tomorrow and can't shake this pang of guilt. I'm really looking forward to talk about things other than babies and development, having adult conversations in general, and not having to eat with one hand or inhale food like my life depends on it. However, I will be missing Mads' developmental milestones and her 1001 expressions that changes, improves, and sometimes disappears over time.

For a first time mother, Mads really spoiled us. She is an easy going, happy all the time baby that only cries bloody murder out of Hangerness. She's sleeping through the night with one single waking at 3AM for a hungry feed and she always, always greets us in the morning with a full on toothless smile. We've also found an amazing nanny that really loves Mads and I finally feel 100% alright leaving the home and leaving Mads in her care.

Nonetheless, balancing motherhood and a career in high tech is not going to be a cakewalk. I'll always feel guilty not being by Mads' side and will always feel like I'm missing out. But these past 4.5 months have been nothing but bliss and I've been savoring every last moment, not taking a single second for granted. For that, I'm super lucky.

Taken on the last day of mat leave.
This is how Mads is every single day. It makes me feel 100% okay returning to work.

Afternoon Quiet

Even though we have sleep trained Mads for nighttime sleep, her naps are still taken on me. For me it is an indulgence and I have no rush to train her for naps yet. These moments are the last remnants of her as a newborn that still needs mommy's embrace. As I head back to work next week I'm just soaking in this Saturday afternoon's quiet little hour as she breaths her milky soft breath on my face while splayed out across my body.

Yesterday I heard this phrase: the seconds crawl by but the years fly by. How true it is. This maternity leave is just too short even though it's been 5 and a half months. Before long, she'll be pushing me  away while trying to brush her own teeth. As I look around her quiet nursery as the afternoon light peeps through the blinds, my heart stung of nostalgia. 

Omnomnom Rice

Is it really that time already? Mads is starting "solids". I say that facetiously because rice cereal is not a solid. It's at best a mushy liquid.

Living in Northern California, we do have the greenwashing bug so it was imperative that we find the absolute perfect, most organic, most healthy, most nutritious and gentle cereal to start her off (I know, we're crazy parents). Researching for that was a serious time sink. The internet - how far of a corner can you go?

Mads took to the spoon like a champ. I absolutely love these Boon baby spoons because they are small enough to fit her little tiny mouth perfectly and are dual sided for texture. They also have flat edges which cleans up food from her face really well.

We went with the Happy Bellies organic brown rice cereal and so far she doesn't hate it! Gosh. She's eating solids.

Cry Me A Sleepy River

I am the quintessential horrible sleeper. I don't dial into my body's cues to rest and usually let it run to exhaustion, draining every last ounce of adrenaline my body can squeeze out before collapsing in bed, at which point my mind places itself on a treadmill and run for an extra 1, 2, sometimes 3 hours. Then I get more flustered with my exhaustion before passing out.

Because I am the most horrible sleeper in the world, I do not wish this condition on my worst enemies. It was so important that I impart amazing sleep habits onto Mads. However, being a first time mother, I was wrought with fear of what would happen if we sleep trained her. I know I cannot be the only mother to think:

• She's going to cry so badly she's going to choke and vomit all over herself and I cannot live with that sight.
• She's going to resent me as a mother for "abandoning" her needs
• She's going to cry inconsolably for hours and all those Cry It Out (CIO) horror stories are all going to come true all at once and rain down upon us and we will ultimately fail as parents
• How would I know if she really needed me for food or diapers? What if she has a tummy ache, isn't feeling well, starts teething, what if what if what if.
• I can't imagine facing a crying baby, my heart would explode
• What if I can't create the perfect condition? If she's too hot in her sleepsuit, or her extremities are too cold, or maybe she shouldn't be in a sleep suite, maybe she should be on an incline, maybe the room is too hot or cold. 
• All the mothers who employed CIO didn't have as cute, sweet, and amazingly even tempered baby as we do. They must've been at their wit's ends to be so cold hearted.

All those fears and doubts were slowly chipping away at my sanity because honestly, it was just the fear of the unknown. My brain was trying to reason out all the possible factors to talk myself out of this supposed "hail mary" of baby sleep habits.

However, Mads has taken to screaming bloody damn murder whenever Dad has tried to rock her to sleep. Screaming at the top of her lungs until she chokes on her own saliva and snot. I would then step in and take almost an hour rocking and soothing her to sleep in my arms before gingerly placing her in the crib and tiptoeing away, hoping she'll be oblivious to the fact that she is now lying supine alone on a mattress. Something's got to change soon. I was heading back to work and Mads was nowhere near warming up to Dad's nighttime embrace.

During dinner one night after a hard fought bedtime, Dad and I discussed whether we should just give this a go. It was good timing. Mads had came out into the clearing after a couple tough stormy periods before her 19th week Wonder Week and she was finally back on track, sleep and mood wise. I was fighting every excuse to not resort to letting her wail, but I knew this had to happen. It is my duty as a parent to give Mads the chance for the best sleep habit she can develop. So we both puffed up our chests, mentally prepared ourselves the night before and the whole day after, and marched right in to battle.

The First Night:
After doing our bedtime routine, we placed Mads in her little bomb squad suit (the Baby Merlin), kissed her goodnight, left the room, and started the timer. It was our hybrid Ferber/Weissbluth. I couldn't bear to wait so long before going in so we tailored the time accordingly to ease me and ease Mads into this new frontier. 3, 5, 7...10...When we hit the 10 minute interval, Mads had already stopped screaming at the top of her lungs. She was hooting very sadly but was at least somewhat consolable when I went in for reassurance. Starting the timer again ready for our 12 minute stretch, Mads grew quieter and quieter. She zonked out 7.5 minutes into the interval. That was it for the first night.

Mads in her Bomb Squad Suit.
This was NOT of that night, and don't worry, we didn't let her sleep with the bib on

It took less total time (40 minutes) than it normally took me to rock her to sleep. Did this really just happen? Did Mads NOT throw-up or choke and did she really just fall asleep on her own?! Dad and I looked at each other, my eyes red from crying alongside my baby. I understood now. It was way harder for me than it was for her.

Mads woke up in the middle of the night but it wasn't her usual 3 AM feeding time so we re-started the process. This time it took her 30 minutes. I still cried.

The next morning, at 6:30AM, she woke up her usual happy cheerful self and smiled and laughed. She still loved us. I think.

The Second Night:
After our bedtime routine, she was so pooped from the day she was already falling asleep in my arms. Dad's opportunity to put her down so I kept my fingers crossed, walked out of the room and buckled down, ready for the wailing to begin. It lasted 1 minute. One measley minute before Mads fell into her quiet whining for another 3-4 minutes before falling asleep. We looked at each other in disbelief - "Is this it?! Is this really it?!"

The Third Night:
That wasn't really it. Tonight, Mads had more energy before heading to bed. We switched up bottle and book so she would get the book after the bottle, giving her less opportunity to just fall asleep feeding. She started wailing as I slid her into her bomb squad suit and for the first couple minutes screamed. Then it turned into a slow cry which by now I can tell means she's on her way out. Tonight, we decided to start with Ferber's actual Day 1 timing (5, 10, then 15 minute intervals). At 4.5 minutes, she went silent and I held out checking in on her. However, her cry returned around 5.5 minutes so I went in, patted her and told her to go to sleep, and walked back out quickly. She was already no longer crying but was in her whining, trying to talk stage so staying any longer than 30 seconds would've stimulated her too much. At 11 minutes into the whole process, she went silent again and fell asleep. As I'm typing this out, she's sleep-bopping her head back and forth, trying to make a good hole in the mattress.

What I've Learned Throughout This Process

Find a mama buddy - My sane mama friend was my sanity check throughout. It was so important to me that I had someone who not only went through it, but shared similar values and had a logical, even keeled approach to parenting. I checked in with her before, during, and after just to make sure I was still a good parent. It was unbelievably great to just hear her go, I'm so proud of you. Because mamas, we don't get enough kudos for being mom.

Keep your eyes on the prize - We had to give her the chance to prove that she can sleep on her own. We had to create that opportunity for her to grow and discover her ability to self-soothe to bed. It was of tantamount importance to me that my child not ever develop poor sleep habits like me because I know first hand how detrimental and fatiguingly annoying it can be.

Set up a process that both you and your partner can follow - It sounds formal, but it really isn't. Dad and I cope differently. I had to get my mind off of the fact that my baby is inside balling her eyes out, while Dad took on a drill sergeant role of time keeping and monitoring her via the video. I played the 2048 game on the laptop in between check-ins while Dad jotted down every single timing detail and kept count. We had our roles and having Dad be the time keeper allowed me to focus on an activity freely, which certainly made time pass way faster.

Dad's timing station set up. There's me doing one of the check-ins.

Just try it. The first night is the hardest - The aforementioned points made, I had to suck it up and give Mads a chance. I cannot explain just how glad I am that we went through with this. She's already falling asleep by herself fine and if I had continued to rock her every night until she was 1.5 years old and can finally try to go down herself, it would've wasted Mads an extra hour each night she could have spent sleeping. I had to drop my own ego of "I don't want to be the bad mother" and just do it. Honestly, it hurt me way more than it hurt her. She doesn't remember a thing each morning as she greets me with the biggest most welcoming and well rested smile. It really IS easier after the first night.

Nanny searches are stress tests for the working mama

After 5 and a half months of maternity leave, it's time to bid the 24/7 mommy/Mads time a bittersweet goodbye. There's nothing more stressful than finding the right care for Mads and handing off this motherly care to someone else. Would they love her the way I do? Would they have their eyes on her at all time, keeping her safe and teaching her the ways of the world?

I kept thinking it wouldn't be that bad. We were chill parents, we never freak out around Mads, and we keep our cool no matter what, modeling a nonchalant brush-it-off approach to things for the little one. Will the nanny do that? Would the teacher at daycare do that?

It's such a relief to finally click with someone that will be spending the majority of the day with Mads. I strongly strongly recommend spending at least half a week to a week "trialing" the caregiver. There were so many things we didn't expect and couldn't have known through an interview, no matter how in-depth, until we saw how the caregiver interacts with Mads.

How to drive yourself bonkers

Working mamas face the stress of preparing care for the little one before heading back to the job. Whether it be an in-law, a nanny, or a daycare of sorts, it's never easy because we never feel like anyone would do as good of a job as we can ourselves. Well, at least I feel that way.

In addition, looking for the right kind of care that fits Mads' temperament and our parenting style is not an easy feat. What if she is bullied by the toddler that wants her toy? What if the nanny leaves her on the changing table and she decides that it's that exact moment to finally successfully roll over? What if my in-law spoils her rotten and set our parenting back?

At the end of the day, the most comforting thing I can offer myself and my husband is that she will be fine. There will be no long term damage. She will recognize us as her mom and dad. She will adapt. Babies are way more flexible than we give them credit for, no?

Baby contortionist

Mads insists on napping on me. I'm indulging in it because I won't get to do this for long. One day I will be day dreaming at my desk or in a business meeting about her baby's breath on my cheeks or her small dream whimpers.

But this position though. That can't be comfortable - for 3 hours. But what do I know, I'm not a baby.

Saturdays are not allowed to end

Saturdays are the best of days. It's the first day of a long week where both mama and daddy are home all day to give Mads serious suffocuddles. Not planning out any agendas or any appointments we need to hit, Saturdays are spent indulging in the ever growing ever changing baby and photoshoots.

Saturdays shouldn't be allowed to end.

Blurry eyed mornings

It can be tough. Just when I think I'm settled in for the night, Mads stirs. I glance at my phone and it is already 6:30am. Really? 10 minutes ago it was 9:30pm!

Bright eyed and well rested, she stares up at me and smiles a 'Mama, I'm ready to go for the day!' smile. I really have to do a better job sleeping early.

But in the midst of play just 45 minutes in, she starts rubbing her eyes as her eyebrows turn a shade of cherry. As I'm rocking her down for a nap, I glance at the remnants of our playtime this morning. Quiet, calm, and just us two.

The noise of the morning starts crackling outside the window just as Mads is retiring for the AM. I wouldn't trade these blurry eyed quaint moments for anything because they will soon be traded in for frantic work preps, nanny handoffs, and an all too short morning with Mads.

Stinky seat's gotta go

It's been almost 2 weeks since we got this play set to help Mads learn to sit up. The seat smells horribly like plastic glue and unventilated plastic factory. Every time we pick her up from the seat she wreaks of the smell for minutes.

I've washed the seat with my trusty homemade baking soda/vinegar concoction and have tried airing it out. No go. So gotta go. Too bad, it seemed like a great idea for a little while.

Bootie bootie bootie bootie, bootie errrwhere!

How cute are these Nature Baby organic cotton booties ?

Mads have crazy growing feet which makes socks hard to keep up with the size. Thank you booties, they fit her ankle perfectly and still give room to grow! They're also the only ones successfully staying put on her feet even with lots of kicking and rubbing.